Words. Sometimes they flow freely, other times I’m at a loss. The last few weeks leading up to the 2nd anniversary of Mikey’s passing have been a struggle. I’ve felt lost, irritable, consumed with thoughts about what life would be like if he were still here. I’ve also struggled with what I was going to post when January 20 came around.
As God so graciously does, He’s put people in my life to encourage me, to look after me, and give me a different perspective on life. In 2007, after I had a miscarriage, so many friends at church came up to me to let me know that they too had experienced a loss like Mikey and I had gone through. It didn’t make the pain go away in that moment, but it comforted me to know that they were ok, which reminded me, that I would be ok. Now looking back over the past two years, I can say that God has again placed people in my path that have experienced deep, traumatic loss and those friends are still standing, and praising God for the blessings that He has given them. Their focus is not on what is missing, but in what has been found by leaning on God when you couldn’t hold yourself up.
This past fall, I sold the home that Mikey and I had lived in since 2006. It was difficult to be there because he wasn’t. The constant reminder was too much for me. There was just something about that backdoor that I would look at hoping that one day he would walk through it again. I needed to let that go. So now Luke, Keri, and I are in my hometown of Kings Mountain, North Carolina. To me, Mikey was my home, not the house we lived in, so adjusting to our new life hasn’t been easy for me. Since we’ve been here, finding a house has been more difficult than I had anticipated, but I do feel that this is where we need to be. Just the other day, my mom reminded me that my children will be ok during this transition because no matter where we live I’m their home. Now heaven is Mikey’s home and I feel so much comfort in knowing that one day we will all live in the same place again.
In the meantime, I will thank God for the blessings, for the comfort, for the strength, for His constant presence, and for the promises that He has given us. I’m thankful for the reminders that though I still don’t understand why all this happened, God has a plan and I will not lean on my own understanding but on God. We’re gonna be ok.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight.